My driver is up to date. The Intel Driver Update Utility confirms this to be true. If I'm asked if my driver is up to date one more time, I'm going to dramatically fling myself out the window. My driver is so up to date that it hurts.
Some of the suggestions under "Quick checks that might improve or fix connection issues" require me to use the Intel Proset/Wireless software. Unfortunately, that software isn't working for me. Here are all of the details: I've downloaded Wireless_16.10.0_e164.exe from this location: Intel� PROSet/Wireless Software — Intel� PROSet/Wireless Software Downloads for windows 8.1, I've tried repairing it, and uninstalling/reinstalling it. This is what the download installs: Wifi Manual Diagnostics, Wifi Event Viewer, and Wifi Advanced Statistics tools. I need your WiFi Connection Utility, which is not included with the download. I've checked my Intel folder in Program files, and also performed a search. Having wasted hours messing around with these downloads, and navigating your website in search of answers, I finally abandoned all hope of getting the Proset software to work. If I've done something wrong, let me know.
A few things I was able to confirm without the Proset software:
The Wi-Fi radio is on
The Wi-Fi adapter is enabled
The router is functioning
The network adapter is being detected
There is no local interference: no cell phones nearby, no microwaves, no cordless phones, no bluetooth, I've even tried disabling the bluetooth on this very laptop, to see if that helps (it doesn't).
My power settings are set to support wifi adapter performance
There is no other router or access point using my router's channel
I've reviewed the recommended settings for 802.11n connectivity, and my settings match.
Please understand that none of your solutions have made a difference, save for the wifi radio check I couldn't try because of the Intel software issue.
If anyone's problem is solved by calling Intel, I'd love to hear about it. Since I've spent too much time trying the same Intel-recommended "solutions" over and over again, I'll now be moving on. I've already pointed my online networks to this thread, so that they may share in my bafflement, and avoid all products that use intel wireless (Lenovo, I thought we were friends!). I suggest you all do the same.
I'll be switching the Intel card out for one that works, as suggested by cam116. If anyone else is thinking of making a switch, be sure to check which cards are compatible with your device (the manufacturer's website should have a list). It also couldn't hurt to ask for advice at the forums on your manufacturer's website. I'll post again with details on my card-switch experience, though it might take a few weeks (exam time is here).
Thank you Intel, for teaching me, and everyone I know, a very expensive lesson on the importance of pre-purchase research.